I invented a new cocktail, pretty much you just have to grab all the drugs within reach and shove them down your gullet. I am scorchingly messed up right now. I've been kinda wondering why it is I can't write sober, I look at the page and all I see is potential inadequacy. Same when I re-read stuff; flaw flaw flaw chomping through to the end of the sentence. Could have done with a solid forty-eight hours enforced bed rest and a judicial poke with replica grade bleeding lance if you ask me, but it's well past pre-school big clock hand points to tiny-bit-fucking-late-now, the element of surprise has been lost.

A friend of mine tells me I'm at my lyrical best when I'm writing about women I can't have. While this maybe true, I'm kinda getting sick of it. Limerance is not a pleasant place to even for a overnight holiday, let alone the kind of location you'd ever want to consider building any sort of permanent structure on, but still! still! I made a tumbledown shack outta shells and pieces of driftwood and decided to take up residency on that harsh and barren rock.

All that happens when I have a crush is that it sucks and hurts, and inevitably I end up making a giant dick of myself in some spectacularly disastrous and also very public fashion. It's like being pulled down into a dark Ukranian meatpacking factory by an invisible nose-ring: you know it's fucking dumb idea but you can't just can't seem to stop yourself.

Sometimes I wish it would all go away. I mean, it's good to have a muse, she's amazing inspiration obviously, but still it's like your guts are all wound up in electromagentic coils and they're getting tighter and strangling. There are the dizzy heights, a particular facial expression, the sloping cadence of her words is enough sometimes to make me think: dear god! you're stunning. But the rapid downhill slide is a long one over rugged and abrasive terrain.

When the depression hits hard, mainly it's when I'm alone, I feel like a total loser, unlovable and worthless.

After Erin it never seemed to ever work out. With anyone.

I want to give up but I can't.