Screwdriver

When it comes to self-sabotage, I am an undisputed grandmaster. If trouble is a bell curve then I will inevitably massage the arrow keys so as to hit the peak and inflict the maximum amount of pain and damage to everyone involved. Someone once described me as a “disaster waiting to strike” -- accurate and fair enough. So here I am, there I was: sans lucy, sans erin, sans everyone. Boy, I handled that incredibly badly. Deliberately horrible, horrendously terrible. It was, all things considered, a shitty thing to do, a despicable way to operate. It is eight in the morning. I am drinking screwdrivers, vodka and orange juice, attempting to chill out, attempting, sweet jesus, not to care.

Over the long course of my many experiments I have discovered that screwdrivers generally make for the “best” hangovers. Now, when I want to get serious about my drinking, I drink screwdrivers. I like to express myself, honestly and without restriction, and getting drunk has a tendency to drill down to the molten truth of me, which I like.

I'm sorry Lucy.

I'm sorry Erin.

Obviously there's better out there than the messed up likes of yours truly. I fail the turing test. I particularly apologize to you Lucy, you've been nothing but sweet and kind to me. I'm sure this doesn't make anything any better. I am arrested by an irresistible compulsion to tell the truth, publicly, unfortunately. The only way I have of processing anything.



I know you hate having our private business aired, our dirty blood stained laundry out to view Erin, but this is THE ONLY WAY I have of dealing, with anything, SO SCREW YOU, like I have no rights! no claim on my emotions. So I'm going out with Erin, and let's be honest, things have started to stagnate, things have started to go downhill but! still! she's still my favourite girlfriend ever, someone who gets me, someone who I get more than anyone else. So! She breaks up with me, emo single tear drop, you know how these things work.

Obviously I suck. Obviously I'm unworthy. We keep sleeping together for a while. Force of habit I guess (plus Erin is a great lay, anyway)

But I spring back! I rebound! I bounce off any wall I'm thrown at! various other girls. I suck. Obviously I'm unworthy. And then.

Enter Lucy.

Who I come to quite like the company of. Who attracts me, sexually, mentally, etc. Blah blah blah, I make a play for Erin, I blow, she (obviously) remembers more keenly than I do the reasons why we broke up etc.

So here I am.

And here you are.