Getting my head sorted.

My brain is angry. Seeking refuge from my head I fled my grimy grubby little flat, the city steaming cold whispers and all it's screaming alcoholic ghosts, and went instead to Ma's. Her place is home or home enough and all my books are there. My books! I've missed them. Every time I move house I bring boxes and boxes of books I got no place to store, she sticks them: somewhere. Stacks of books, trees of books growing from the carpet and crammed into every shelf. I can make myself a real coffee (from real beans not instant), then go warm my hands on some open conversation, the gentle flicker of heat and light and people.

It's been a wild ride, my life. I'm trying to get my shit together, my head sorted. The past couple of months have been madness, a total mess; a great and violent storm brews in the silence of my heart, two powerful winds mix and snarl in conflict. I think I'm a nice enough guy generally but prone to fits and seizures of extreme assholism, especially when I drink. Yeah, threatening to beat up Greg. Not exactly my finest moment. I'm sorry. I'm all over the show right now. I read what I'd written and blinked.

I think I need to be single. I like Sass well enough, I think she's pretty damn cool really but I can see that whole scenario quickly sliding into Sid & Nancy. She's a little nuts and I guess that's what drew me to her, I am also a little nuts and I know it's lonely being crazy. I think she gets far too hard a time from people. Hopefully we can still be friends and shit. And if not well, my apology still stands.

I think it's kinda funny, after all the drugs I've taken, that it should be Ecstasy and not a hallucinogen that kinda fucked me up. If indeed it did, brought me in touch with a buncha shit I'd rather not look at too closely. A friend of mine he sez to me: "Too many people use anti-depressants as crutches", maybe so, I guess too many people use life jackets to keep them from sinking. Goddamn pussies should learn to swim! Cripples need crutches Dan, it's how we walk around, leastways until the strength comes back in our limbs.

Feel pretty good about not drinking anymore, again, heh. Booze and me don't mix well.