Drifting steel toe

I want to talk about drinking again. Actually I'm quitting drinking again, or trying, trying, drying out. But every time I announce I'm quitting I get all these people patting me on the back saying “awesome” and then I fail once again and feel absolutely awful.

I have lots good reasons to abstain from alcohol, but I forget them all too quickly.

I hate making friends only posts, but I settled on the compromise that I will one day make this all public. I feel miserable. This shouldn't be as hard as it is, keep thinking that a life without alcohol equals a life without fun. Erin sez I shouldn't just replace it with other chemicals, but the thought of going straight edge leaves me terrified.

The last time I successfully quit I replaced it with enormous doses of ecstasy and it ended up worse than the booze. The paranoid delusions were particularly bad. Mad conspiracy theories of supertrolls and advanced psychological manipulation.

So after a solid two months drinking every day: wake up before work, drink! get home from work, drink! promising myself I'd just have a few and that this was the last time and then, drink! drink! drink! I have been sober for three days and I crave a gin or a whiskey or a cocktail or even a goddamn flat warm beer.

Why did I want to quit again?

Oh yeah. Self-mastery. Confronting the root cause of my problems. Actually sticking to something for once. Normally when I quit it's cos something bad happened, I got into a fight or ended up in the hospital or said or did something appalling, this time I'm just sick of it.

You don't have to keep this a secret or anything I just don't want to talk to everyone. If you're on this filter then I guess you seem to some degree to be a sincere and genuine person. Hi, I'm Caleb, and I am an alcoholic. Funnily enough nearly everyone on this list, bar one person is female, which I guess goes to show who I can open up to. I am really really struggling with this.