Braggadocio
Posted on Tue Jun 12 21:28:00 UTC 2007
You have to laugh. Or at least I do. At myself, cos I think I may just have committed the livejournal equivalent of flinging a white cashmere scarf dramatically over my left shoulder and storming off stage right. Fuck man, you take yourself waaaaaay to seriously. That last post I edited and edited and edited then finally I stopped editing and looked at what I'd written and then immediate afterwards: sweet jesus. How embarrassing. What an asshole. It seriously made me reconsider the various pros and cons of stringing myself up, like I'd climbed over the safety rail and was now aimlessly kicking gravel into the fiery pits of hell.
Yeah, shit has been a bit rough recently. Sorry I've been a bit weird. Thanks so much for listening to me edgar, cataragon and mellific, it's made a big difference, man, you don't know how much. I don't really have that many people I can talk to, and you sure as fuck can't talk about this stuff with other guys:
"Sup bro. I'm a fucking fruitloop. I gots to takes these pills real regularwise or else my brain explodes spectacular."
Nah. Flag. Might give that one a miss. I been saying I can handle it I can handle it I can handle it over and over for nearly ten years now. And I can't. It's scary. I'm scared. So I'm they got me on this fluoxetine crap, makes my hands shake something chronic, the thought of food gets me nauseous most of the time but at least I can still get an erection, thank god. Officially joining the ranks of the walking wounded and the mentally ill, I would say that it was a sobering thought but it hasn't been, it really hasn't.
Erin had to drag me kicking and screaming to the doctor, because despite the amount of psychoactives I ingest I got this rule about not taking any psychiatric medications unless it's for a purely recreational purpose. Kinda like always being responsible for your emotions, the psychic pain theory of depression. The reason I feel so miserable is because there is SOMETHING WRONG, something that I need to fix, you feel pain because you have an injury.
The real funny thing about all this is that there is absolutely nothing objectively wrong with my life. I got heaps of friends, I got a job yadda yadda yadda. I don't know why everything hurts so much and that"s not a very strong thing to say, it's not very stoic and it's certainly not a very metal attitude to take. Harden up. harden up and straighten up and walk tall and be proud and petrify yourself into a striding stone statute and a hammer full of notches.
Anyway, blah blah blah, how's shit with you?
Yeah, shit has been a bit rough recently. Sorry I've been a bit weird. Thanks so much for listening to me edgar, cataragon and mellific, it's made a big difference, man, you don't know how much. I don't really have that many people I can talk to, and you sure as fuck can't talk about this stuff with other guys:
"Sup bro. I'm a fucking fruitloop. I gots to takes these pills real regularwise or else my brain explodes spectacular."
Nah. Flag. Might give that one a miss. I been saying I can handle it I can handle it I can handle it over and over for nearly ten years now. And I can't. It's scary. I'm scared. So I'm they got me on this fluoxetine crap, makes my hands shake something chronic, the thought of food gets me nauseous most of the time but at least I can still get an erection, thank god. Officially joining the ranks of the walking wounded and the mentally ill, I would say that it was a sobering thought but it hasn't been, it really hasn't.
Erin had to drag me kicking and screaming to the doctor, because despite the amount of psychoactives I ingest I got this rule about not taking any psychiatric medications unless it's for a purely recreational purpose. Kinda like always being responsible for your emotions, the psychic pain theory of depression. The reason I feel so miserable is because there is SOMETHING WRONG, something that I need to fix, you feel pain because you have an injury.
The real funny thing about all this is that there is absolutely nothing objectively wrong with my life. I got heaps of friends, I got a job yadda yadda yadda. I don't know why everything hurts so much and that"s not a very strong thing to say, it's not very stoic and it's certainly not a very metal attitude to take. Harden up. harden up and straighten up and walk tall and be proud and petrify yourself into a striding stone statute and a hammer full of notches.
Anyway, blah blah blah, how's shit with you?